Why Our Culture Lacks Real Men

Photo by Ante Hamersmit on Unsplash

When a society flourishes, you will always find that it exhibits heterosexual marriages which contain strong and capable men. The inverse is also true that as a society crumbles, your men are replaced with weak boys who like to hold off marrying until they’re about, hm, 30 years old. Fruitfulness in a marriage is simply how the Lord designed how progress in a society is to be brought about. A man is called to leave his father and mother, cling to a wife, and lead his family into productivity. The “marching orders” if you will, are to “… be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth, and subdue it…” (Genesis 1:28)

What happens when you lack men to fill that role though? Of centers for production, lovers of their wives, protectors of their daughters, teachers for their sons, warriors for their community, pillars of truth for their society…? You have your 21st century American culture with all of its chaos. Our society is crumbling under out feet because we’ve destroyed the natural family by creating morally bankrupt men through a society inundated with sexual promiscuity. And so at the root of this we find ourselves at the castration of the modern male, the particulars of which we will now discuss.

“Do not spend your strength on women, your vigor on those who ruin kings.”

This verse comes from Proverbs 31:3, and it’s one of the many warnings to a son about the snare of an adulterous woman. Elsewhere stated in chapter five, Solomon wisely says, “Keep your way far from her, and do not go near the door of her house, lest you give your honor to others and your years to the merciless, lest strangers take their fill of your strength, and your labors go to the house of a foreigner…” With these two verses in mind, I propose a few questions that are essential in understanding why we lack genuine men:

1. What exactly is a man’s strength? It’s important to understand that most of Proverbs takes the form of a father instructing his son. One of the main themes you see him draw on is the contrast of the faithful, wise woman and the adulterous, foolish one. Because the father himself (Solomon) has experienced first hand the destructive power of unrestrained sexual drive with foreign women (1 Kings 11:3 and the above quoted verses), he urges his son to hold fast to lady wisdom, who is by extension an example of good marriage material, a theme later developed in Proverbs 31. The connection then is that a man’s strength directly relates to his sexual drive. There is a strength to give, but to whom? If it’s not to the adulterous woman, then it’s to the faithful one; and it’s only in the covenant of marriage at that. An otherwise destructive expression of sexual drive becomes constructive because the strength a man gives to his wife returns right back to him since they are mysteriously one flesh (Ephesians 5:28–29).
2. What does it look like to give your strength to foreign women? Any threat which attempts to bring down the honor of the marriage bed takes away your strength, married or not. Namely, this strength-sapping culprit is: adultery, fornication, adultery of the heart, and/or masturbation. Proverbs has a lot more to say, but here’s just a few verses that show how sexual promiscuity can quickly send men both young and old to the brink of utter destruction: (Proverbs 5:4–5; 7:1–27; 9:13–18; 25:28; 23:27–28)
3. And why does he need it so badly? Because it forces him to make something of himself, assuming he holds the marriage bed in high honor. He knows that God’s law demands that sexual fulfillment is only to be found there. He also knows that he will find little success in winning the hand of some man’s daughter if he’s a loser. After all, he wants the highest quality woman he can find; being “good enough” is not good enough. Who the heck wants to rank average? But when you have a culture that celebrates the opposite of God’s law, where sex is cheap and easy to get, men quickly lose the desire to compete in the dating marketplace because they’ve traded all their horsepower to the whores, flickering images on a screen, or fantasies in their head. Hence, the very power which spurs them to become strong husbands and fathers is constantly stunted, leaving young men on empty. What good is supercar if it has no gas in the tank? Remember, a man leaves his father and mother and holds fast to a wife (Genesis 2:24).

Although it relates specifically to food, I think Proverbs 16:26 illustrates this point perfectly:

“A worker’s appetite works for him; his mouth urges him on.”

Assuming this worker believes that using deceptive means is not a viable option to acquire food, he’s going to work however hard he needs to make sure he’s fed. In the same way, a young man who knows he needs to honor God with this unruly stallion in his loins, he will rule over those desires and compete hard with other young men to marry well. While a dinner of herbs for the worker could technically suffice, a fattened ox is certainly better.

The Solution

Lest you think I’ve got it all figured out, I say to my shame that the struggles of this have been long and arduous, but lots of progress has been made. It would also be inhumane of me to point out this cultural problem and not suggest ways, for young men like myself, to take back their strength and mature into the godly, masculine men they ought to be. And trust me, I’ve got skin in the game. What I’m recommending to you, I’m doing myself. It’s broken into two categories:

1. Things to save your strength from
2. Things to spend your strength on

Things to save your strength from

1. The fantasies in your head. A man can think himself into hell because he will not let go of his adultery of heart. This habit will only serve to frustrate you more as you climb further up into your twenties, becoming an animal acting in mere instinct.
2. The house of the foreign woman. Is Instagram a snare for you? Delete it. How about Snapchat? Delete it. Ifunny? Delete it. I’m mentioning those apps because they posed a problem for myself. This obviously goes for websites as well. If you’re not even willing to do that, you should just go ahead and give up.
3. The situations which make it easy to fall prey to temptation. If you use your phone in the bathroom, just stop. The last thing you need is to be caught with your pants down… literally. It’s like going out of your way to listen to the siren song; you’re just inviting yourself to crash into the rocks. She’s an enchantress who lures you in and dethrones your reason by her beauty. The more you begin to think with one head, the harder it gets to think with the one on your shoulders. Avoid those places.
4. One-on-one time with women. By the fear of the Lord, one turns away from evil. If you’re alone with a girl, you’re going to think and say things you would never if her father were right there. You will stir up love before it’s ready, and you’re only making it more difficult for yourself since there’s no lawful way to release that… tension. Group settings are probably the best way to go. There’s lots of wisdom you need to navigate these situations, but if you find that she’s really worth getting to know, then it’s really worth getting to know her father since he’s the one with authority to give her hand.

Keeping watch over your feet in four areas is going to guard you against the things which will really destroy your life. Fortunately, my experience stops here, but if you’re involved in cohabitation or a fornicating relationship, you’ll need to kill that sin before it kills you.

Things to spend your strength on

1. Physical discipline. That could be a gym, boxing ring, karate dojo, etc… Despite what squishy evangelicals might say, spiritual maturity is not all that matters. Men are made for strength, but you must know how to reign it in; this is called meekness.
2. Personal development. Eye contact, a firm handshake, knowing how to speak well, and simply standing up straight will put you a leg up over most young guys now. This helps not only with finding a good woman, but with just about every relationship you’ll have on this earth.
3. Produce something, don’t just consume. The family is a unit of production, so it helps to get your feet wet using the skills God has given you to build something. I’m a designer, so a side hustle in web design and development has been great for me. Ideally, it would be nice to make some money, though that might not be totally reasonable in some circumstances. Though there’s nothing stopping you from learning completely new skills and using that as a means of production.
4. Spiritual maturity. Bible reading, prayer, and scripture memorization pay massive spiritual dividends in your life. At the end of the day, you want to be conformed to the image of Christ, and it’s simple means like these which God uses to transform your heart. Start really slow to begin with; consistency among all things is essential. Once you’ve got some patterns established, then you can ramp things up.
5. Steadfast love. What is chiefly required of a husband is steadfast, Christ-like love. Many guys say that they have steadfast love, but few actually show it (Proverbs 20:6). Love is also the fulfillment of the law since it does no wrong to its neighbor; therefore love results in obedience (John 14:15), which brings us to the last point.
6. Fearing God and obedience to his law. This is the whole duty of man (Ecclesiastes 12:13). The Lord delights in men who seek him with their whole heart, and the sweet communion that comes from the Lord as a result of obedience is like ambrosia for the soul. The truest men are always Christian ones.

As a final note, I want to address my non-Christian and Christian friends. For the former, you can certainly appear to successfully kill this lust in your heart, but it will always break out in other sins. Your “victory” is simply a feigned defeat of the flesh; a wise enemy knows not to die on every hill, and a truly deceptive one will pretend to lose in order to win. He knows you will fill up the measure of your pride, for pride always comes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before the fall (Proverbs 16:18). And great will that fall be. Genuine freedom from the guilt and bondage of sin only comes from the blood of Christ shed for you.

For the latter, I urge you as I do myself to strip off the sins that cling so closely, to become wise in heart (Proverbs 23:15–16), to strengthen your arms (Proverbs 20:29), and to walk humbly with the God (Micah 6:8) who has redeemed you by His rich mercy. He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.